Fashion god
by Lilla
Summary: One of our cute assassin considers himself a fashion expert, with serious consequences.Omake to With my eys wide open to answer Nekojita's Hello!Kitty challenge. No knowledge of EWO required!


**Title:** Fashion sense an omake to "With my eyes wide open"  

**Author: **Lilla.

**Category:** Omake/AU

**Warnings:** PG-13 

**Pairings: **YxR.

**Disclaimer:** Wow official looking… I don't own the boys, I don't even own the main idea of this story as it is a challenge fic for **Nekojita**…  The Weiss boys don't belong to me, nor do the Schwarz boys. Yukiko is mine though, the orange sweater too! 

**Author's Note**: This is very much of an AU, actually an AU of an AU, does that even make sense? 

OC, OOC, dark humour, craziness, the works… Oh and I nearly forgot **Aya is Ran and **Aya-chan is Aya**, OK? Quite easy actually! **

No knowledge of EWO is required. Only thing you need to know  is that at this point Yotan and Ran have a relationship going, a somewhat stormy one, of course, and they have a mutual friend who serves as a sort of counsellor for their frequent screw ups. Said person actually sucks in that department, but as Yohji wisely observed "To figure out the workings of a withdrawn psycho talk to a withdrawn psycho…" 

OK how to explain this. Nekojita issued a challenge. I owe the girl BIG TIME, as I force her to beta these things I write… Furthermore the idea of Hello! Kitty entering the Weiss universe tickles my funny bone big time… So I decided to write this, an omake story with the EWO cast and the extraordinary participation of Hello! Kitty…

Many thanks to **Sardius** and **Nekojita** for the courage demonstrated in tackling this thing and correcting all of my silly mistakes. Those they might have missed I claim property of!

Character's Thoughts 

**Fashion god****.******

The young woman uttered a weary sigh, it was well past three am and here she was still working on the latest rush of murder cases. Five young students were found collapsed on their respective school grounds blue faced as if suffering from suffocation and with no apparent cause for their asphyxia. 

She didn't really relish the idea of having to see to this after a whole day of gruesome work. It wasn't as if she had a choice, though, she considered wearily before slipping a new tape in her recorder as she snapped  new latex gloves on tired hands and  got ready to perform her gruesome task.  

It was then that the shrill ring of the phone in the adjoining office finally registered on her sluggish tired mind. 

Well why do people always have to heap further grievance on those who already have enough? 

Damn, give me a dead person any day to a living one. 

Tiredly making her way to the chipped and rusty black metal desk holding up a monstrously old bakelite, presently  ringing shrilly, phone, a real archaeological find in technological Japan.  The woman brushed back stubborn mousy blond bangs from her plain face with a faint hint of distaste.

Gingerly picking up the receiver, the blonde considered, with a sense of impeding doom, that two of her most messed up acquaintances had had a date scheduled for tonight.  That often resulted in a call to the hospital, either for patching up the fall out of the domestic fight or for some serious psychological counselling. 

Hoping to discourage the disturber from taking up any of her time she therefore gave her best growl, hoping to dissuade the pest from further slowing her after hour work.

Her curt hello didn't seem to faze the caller though, as a jabbering flood of words in heavily accented English assaulted tired ears. Given her passing but not excellent knowledge of the language, it took her a few seconds to even recognise the caller disturbing her at such an hour.  Unfortunately, for all concerned, she had been right on target as to the disturber's identity.

Kudoh! It figures, who else would be idiotic enough to call me at this hour?!  What the fuck is it  this time?!

"And Ran…" wafted over the connection making the woman exhale a put upon sigh while sadly contemplating what could possibly have happened between the two assassins this time.

If this is  about the psycho trying again to skewer the idiot after being introduced to the joys of bondage, I swear I will go on a rampage myself…

With a faint growled "Kudoh" the young woman, one Kurono Yukiko, forensic expert at Magic Bus Hospital in the pay of Kritiker, vainly tried to catch the babbling man's attention to verify her theory as to the reason for this late night call.

As her interjection was lost in the background noise of the now mostly frantic  Japanese  narration, the woman resorted to wait the request for help out while repressing several yawns. 

_After all, if he is taking all this time to get to the point it probably means that Ran either hasn't gone for his katana, yet, or that said implement has been safely locked away prior to whatever exploit the man decided to pull._

As soon as the narration of the man's nightly exploits was over she was going to give the slimy bastard a piece of her mind for calling her now, thought  a half asleep Yukiko rather unhappily. 

_And if this is a repeat of the stripper club or  the nudist sea resort or  the geisha house situation…_ _Well actually I have to admit that the geisha house was pretty hilarious, what with Ran all dressed  up and the nudist beach… _

_Damn but those boys gave me food  for wet dreams for the next few hundred years there…_

Catching herself almost drooling, the forensic expert derailed her thoughts to the consequences of said exploits, and considered darkly that if something similar had happened it might just take her the rest of the night and most of the next day to bandage the fool once the psycho got to his katana. 

_And once I am done playing Florence Nightingale I am going to kick Yohji's kinky ass into tomorrow or better yet take care of his overeager hormones once and for all, _considered the put upon woman as she longingly eyed one of her sharp scalpels.  

While the half asleep doctor considered a rather drastic possible solution to the couple's relationship problems, on the other side of the phone the increasingly frustrated assassin started to almost sob. 

That jumpstarted his interlocutor's attention immediately, though, as the extremely odd behaviour meant that this wasn't just the 'ordinary' aftermath of one of the blond's 'let's make my antisocial lover get in touch with people and his softer side' harebrained schemes.

Now pissed off at the idiot for not stating clearly that this was an emergency, she gave proof of a somewhat impressive vocal capacity by shouting directly into the phone an indignant "What the heck is the matter this time?!!!"

The muttered, "Ran…" string of unknown Japanese words, sniff, "smoke… breathed in… burnt…" sob, "collapsed… not waking up" muffled cry, "we did our best but it doesn't seem as if he's getting better, in fact he's getting worse…"  chilled her to the bone.

Interrupting the obviously distraught man, Yukiko curtly told him, "I will be over as soon as possible, call an ambulance," before putting down the receiver and rushing to gather up her meagre medical supplies.

A couple kilometres away a crying blonde found the receiver he was desperately clutching to his chest being taken away from his shaky grip by gentle hands as a pair of huge blue eyes gazed sorrowfully upon his wet visage.

"Come on Yohji-kun, we have to call an ambulance and Manx, you go back up and watch Ran-kun. I will take care of things from here."

"I… I can't go back Omi. I can't…" sobbed the ex-playboy as he tried  to rake a nervous hand through tangled curls and succeeding only in getting it stuck in the mess, "It's all my fault… All of it… If I hadn't decided to get rid of it this wouldn't have happened…"  

"Yohji-kun please. Ran needs you… As for your having gotten rid of IT…" the younger blond closed his eyes as a vague shudder shook his slender frame. He then went on resolutely, "I have to admit that I might have done as much had I been less scared of Ran-kun's reaction… So don't beat upon yourself too much, I will be sure to let Kurono-san in once she arrives as well as the paramedics and Manx, you go up, OK? Everything is sure to be all right."

After more wheedling and several creative threats the last of which was, "I will tell Ran-kun about that one time I found you using his katana sheath to…" the chain smoker scuttled up the stairs and went to face his mercifully unconscious boyfriend while Omi placed the necessary calls. 

Shortly afterwards, hearing a seriously badly tuned spluttering motor approach, announcing the arrival of the person the last few months had had him dub 'The Cavalry', the boy opened the door to greet a frazzled Yukiko.

"Tsukiyono-kun," greeted curtly the woman, "what is the matter with the two loons this time, and what is it that I hear about Ran not waking up?"

"Well Kurono-san, you see things went like this…" started to explain the abnormally sad teen while leading the woman up the stairs.

In the meantime, a worried frantic Yohji was having his character and intelligence abused by one dour Ken as they kept vigil over a downed redhead who was breathing uneasily on the blond's overlarge bed. 

The abuse was however stopped by the door opening quietly to reveal a stone faced slip of a woman and an equally tiny youth whose visage, devoid as it was of its usual smile, proved to be an even more disturbing sight.  

A glance from the solemn teen had the two older men making way for the woman who, snapping on a pair of heavy black silk gloves, approached the bed looking down at the quiet shape lying upon it.

After a brief examination, "Cause of death asphyxia, due to inhalation of carbon monoxide," the young forensic expert intoned in a monotone voice, "time of death approximately five fifty am."

While a heartbroken blond shouted out an incredulous "Noo!! Ran how could you leave me?!!! I…" and started to cry and punch the wall, a faintly peeved Omi looked up at the oddly impassive doctor and observed, "Ano… mmh Kurono-san it isn't five fifty yet… it is only four thirty…"

"Gods Omi" interjected the stunned brunette standing to the side, "how can you be so callous  as to care about the exact time…"  

Before the soccer fanatic managed to try and further chastise his youngest co-worker, whose laser gaze was, however, culling any such notion efficiently, the blonde woman interrupted him by answering the query posed by the attentive teen.

"Yes, I know it is four thirty… And, well anyway, five fifty is a rough estimate at best, you never know with this sort of gas poisoning… It might take longer…" breezily answered the woman with a disturbingly bright smile on her face.

It took a couple of minutes for the meaning of the gaijin woman's words to sink in, but as soon as it did, she found herself tackled to the ground by one sobbing and murderous chain smoker, intent on a little payback for the scare he had been given.

A murder narrowly avoided and a ailing redhead, who was expected to make a full and fast recovery once safely seen into the care of the hospital staff in the pay of Kritiker, it was time for all the conscious parties to start worrying about the possible aftermath.

"I don't think Ran-kun is going to forgive you for this one soon, Yohji-kun" happily observed  Omi, starting the ball rolling. 

"But you said you would have done the same thing, chibi!" groused crossly a put upon and somewhat nervous blond.

"I did, Yohji-kun. But as I pointed out, I love my life enough not to try and pull such a stunt. I don't think Ran-kun is going to  show any mercy on this one… As soon as he is mobile I fully expect him to come after you with his katana."

The twin grunts of assent coming from the other two observers did nothing to reassure the doomed blond of his uncertain destiny. As all darkly considered the probability of finding a certain blond florist cut into itty bitty pieces and used as fertiliser, a hard-faced doctor neared  to inform them that their friend was now awake and asking for them.

As Yohji wearily weighed the benefits of making a run for it, as opposed to seeing his lover and ascertaining that he was indeed fine, a surprisingly level-headed Ken interjected, "Let's plan some damage control, shall we?" 

In the meantime a tired and faintly wheezing redhead was looking at the door leading into his room with a malicious smile on his face that had efficiently chilled the blood in the veins of the doctor he had sent to get his friends and lover. With difficulty, hearing the tread of feet approaching his door, a seriously peeved Ran schooled his face into its customary shuttered expression or lack thereof.

A cautious brown haired head belonging to a nervous Ken was the first sight the door opening afforded the downed man. His unchanging and cold expression obviously reassuring the brunette, the man sauntered into the room giving the bed and its occupant a dazzling smile and cheerily exclaiming "My Ran, you look way better! Up to soccer standards!" as concerted to signify an all clear to Yohji and his 'bodyguards'.

The lack of a scathing glare being produced by the comment, however, had the nervous soccer addict considering he might have to rethink his assessment of the current situation. Before he could manage to warn the doomed Yohji away, though, the man himself had already slinked into the room followed by a nervous looking Omi and a darkly scowling Yukiko.

_The woman is probably considering how long our autopsy will take if Ran gets to his katana, and isn't happy at the idea of having to rebuild our corpses from scratch…_ wondered a spooked Ken, while waiting uneasily for the overtly calm Ran to start giving them all a piece of his mind.

In the nervous silence that ensued all eyes converged to the indifferent cold expression on the redhead's face, monitoring each little blink of pale eyelids over violet eyes while waiting anxiously for the expected explosion.

Seeing as nothing seemed to be forthcoming, the man's heavily sweating boyfriend realised that he would have to pay the fiddler, so to say for his former dance with fire. Indeed part of him was so relieved at seeing the redheaded grouch awake that his probable demise at the man's hands no longer seemed such an important thing at all.

"Ran, love, I am sorry," uttered in his most abject tone a puppy eyed Yohji, "I am very, very sorry. I didn't know that pullover meant so much to you! If I had known I would never have burnt it, not even if it was so icky on you that it almost put me off and I mean orange… on a redhead it's a terrible choice and…"

Finally realising what he had let escape in his nervous haste to try and placate his seemingly calm boyfriend, the tall blond felt the sweat chill on his overheated flesh, for with that idiotic confession his chance of survival had just gone from slim to none, to not one hope in  hell of making it out alive.

That comment had, however, been no news for his redheaded lover who knew all too well the effect the orange item could have on Yohji's overactive libido.  He had indeed capitalised on it more than once to avoid serious soreness setting in, especially before missions.

_No hope of going for that same technique again as he probably has caught upon it, seeing as he got rid of the sweater_, pondered a devious redhead while all around a nervous silence settled in once more, and a dread-filled Yotan opened and closed his mouth incredulously as he managed  to look like a fish_.  I will have to set to tiring him out myself then. Once HE is too sore to sit down he will be sure to leave me alone. Mmmh now for touching my belongings and daring to destroy them: revenge will be mine!!! _

That last thought and the images of how his vengeance would affect the smooth playboy, or rather ex-playboy one hopes for the man's health, were enough to have the voracious smile make another appearance on the pale face. 

The smiling shark expression doing very little to reassure  poor Yohji, the man started to blather something about going back to the shop and setting it up for the morning crowd, never mind the fact that at six am it was just a wee bit early for such an activity. Before the terrified blond could manage to make good his escape, however, his boyfriend's expression morphed once more to the stony countenance they had previously been greeted with, and with an eerily calm voice Ran observed "It's early, Kudoh. You will go in a minute, but first I suppose you will want to hear what you can do to avoid my coming after you as soon as I am discharged." 

As the blond swallowed audibly and glanced chased-down-deer style at his completely calm boyfriend, the man started to enounce the conditions he  wished to be met in order for Weiss to remain a four man team. 

"First of all, since you obviously don't care for my wardrobe, I will be sure to buy a few new things using your credit card," stated calmly the redhead, earning astonished expressions all around.

The most shocked of all was of course Yohji, who incredulously exclaimed, "What? Do you mean that's it?? And we will remain together? What's the catch? You're going to cut me off while you parade around half naked, aren't you? Or do you plan to cover yourself in orange from top  to bottom? Is that it?"

"Attractive ideas all of them but no, that isn't what I have in mind…" answered Ran smoothly , the disquieting smile almost making another apparition, before continuing with, "I simply want to ensure that my clothes won't have to face such an assault again. As for being cut off, why that would be cutting off my nose to  spite my face, ne?"

"I think I need to sit down" breathed out a distraught chain-smoker, "you are going for some tests as soon as possible; they will be able to get you back to normal, lover, no worries. Before you know it you will be back to your grouchy, vengeful self. Oh Kami-sama forgive me, I didn't mean to hurt you this badly... I am sorry Ran-chan, I truly am."  

The impressive death-glare that comment earned him had Yohji breathe easily for the first time since he had decided to risk life and limb to get rid of the horrendous orange 'thing'. Maybe, just maybe, his beloved hadn't lost it. Which probably meant this was all just an elaborate ploy to hurt him… badly… Having  him wallow in self guilt about his wrong doings might have been Ran's aim, after all. But Yohji found that it almost didn't matter if the man was going to the trouble of making up an elaborate receipt for revenge; it meant that at some time, after lots of hellish suffering, he would be back to having a boyfriend and that was all that counted. Well, a little sex would be good too, just to convince his mind that his Ranny-boy had made it really out alive, but one took what one could.

It was in a very chilly tone of voice that the redhead interrupted the current direction of the oldest blond present thoughts. "I will expect of course for you to acquiesce to some changes that I find are necessary as far as your wardrobe is concerned as well," suggested a solemn Ran.

"Hey wait a minute, lover, with your sense of fashion I will probably be the laughing stock of  Tokyo, and I have a reputation to maintain. Plus I am a veritable fashion god and you don't mess with perfection!" answered a now very uneasy Yohji.

"Oh I see," retorted a now faintly smirking redhead, "I forgive you for burning my clothes and almost killing me in the process and you can't even wear a couple things I buy you…"

That had the blond chain-smoker feeling very guilty, as evidenced by his almost pained expression, making him overlook the fact that the redhead hadn't even seemed angry at his comment, more like amused  and dangerously calm. "Ran," observed quietly a now ashamed blond, "of course I will wear whatever you buy me. But you can't expect me to go around dressed in an orange sweater or the like and anyway, I don't think I should change my style, people would talk and…"

"How about a deal then," interrupted the now serious, but with a dangerous glint in sunset coloured eyes, Ran, "I get you some longer tops in colours you like, you pay for them of course. And also I get to change  a few details in your mission gear, which will be seen just by us anyway. I can promise you that it will be as comfortable as the one you have now and might help you get out of things unscathed."

"You're worrying about my health during missions and I…" almost cried the walking chimney, unwisely  ignoring the choked entreaties to think things through their audience made as well and missing the odd light in his boyfriend's gaze. "Ran," declared a moved Yohji, "I will wear whatever you want me to on missions and I will try to be a  more understanding person about your clothing quirks."

Totally disregarding the almost twitching  left eyebrow  his beloved had acquired, the blond breezily went on to dig his grave even deeper by adding, "Of course you won't buy anything orange, will you? I could come shopping with you and help you out, so as to avoid it becoming too much of a disaster, you know?"      

"Oh, that will be quiet unnecessary I assure you Yotan," added the redhead in a voice dripping venom, "I am sure Kurono will be able to help me out just fine."     

"Quoi?[1]"  answered the blonde woman, looking suddenly very afraid, "Help you shop? Oh no, I am afraid I can't. I have cadavers to cut up, livers to section, lungs to dig out," a short murderous glare from violet eyes stopped the inventory before a shocked Ken could become completely green-faced. 

"Anyway," insisted the woman, "I have erm, cookies to bake… Plenty of things to do, in short. I won't have the time, bye." With that she hurried out of the room, leaving our heroes in an uncertain silence once more.

Shortly afterwards, as an exhausted Ran expressed a desire to rest a bit, his co-workers, minus the credit card of one blond smoke addict, made their way back home and to a shop were they would have to face assault of hordes of rabid fangirls without the defense of the trusty 'if you aren't going to buy anything get out' war cry. 

The redhead made his way back home on his own steam late that same evening, after having gone on a shopping spree with one very grumpy forensic expert he had cornered in the morgue and somehow managed to talk into helping him out. The influence of the woman was all too visible, observed crossly one henpecked lover-boy as all the redhead had bought was either black or so dark a shade of grey so as to make no difference whatsoever. 

It helped, though, that black sure looked good on the pale redhaired man because the blond fashion god, a true 'arbiter elegantiarum,[2]' didn't protest too much about the choices made.

No word was given about the new mission outfit but a smug looking Ran promised that Yohji would be better equipped as soon as they got a new night job.

Two weeks afterwards, disaster struck in the form of Manx carrying the customary videotape. Oddly enough, this once the usually distant Ran smiled warmly at the woman and bid her to precede them all into the mission room. 

Briefing over and done with, the men closed shop and after having ascertained that all was as it should be went upstairs to get ready for the hit. Their preparations were interrupted by an agonising scream.

As  Ken and Omi made their way to the room whence the scream had come, Yohji's, they saw a smug looking Ran walking calming out  the door while behind him incredulous cries of rage resounded.

"Nothing to worry about," their redheaded leader reassured the two younger members of Weiss, "Kudoh will be ready very soon and we will be on our way. Wait in the garage."

"You aren't hurting him too badly, Ran-kun, right?" softly pleaded  a pale Omi, fearing for the playboy's health and sanity.

"Hurting him?" answered with fake innocence a smirking Ran, "No, nothing of the sort, Omi, he just has to get used to his new outfit…"

The two younger Weiss made their way uncertainly down the stairs while behind them the sound of their eldest co-worker despair resounded in the house. "I feel as if I just abandoned Yotan to Farfarello of Schwarz," observed Ken guiltily, once they got their respective bikes set to go. "Yes," agreed the usually genki teen, "Ran, he called me 'Omi,' it can't be good." 

A few minutes afterwards a serious if red eyed Yohji and a still smirking Ran made their way down the stairs. The younger men looked sceptically at the playboy's outfit which was, as best as they could tell, totally unchanged. Looking at one another and not daring to pose the question, they simply shrugged and revved their engines ready to go.

The mission went extremely well, but for the fact that Yohji got a deep bullet graze to one arm. As soon as they got back to the Koneko, Omi picked up the first aid and went to see to their wounded team mate only to find him holed up in the bathroom. Deciding that no matter what he had to see to the graze, the younger blond picked the lock and upon opening the door got an eyeful.

There stood Kudoh Yohji, smooth lady killer, in both the metaphorical and the literal sense, in his hip hugging night blue mission pants, his royal blue coat discarded on the floor, wearing a blue crop top with one black leather clad Hello!Kitty  on it and the logo 'I am a fashion goth' underneath it. [3]    

While the teen wheezed, gasped and finally collapsed on the floor in laughter, a smiling Ran admired his handiwork and an incredulous Ken, attracted by all the noise, started chortling too.

"Oh damn Yotan, if you ever are in trouble you only have to open the coat and flash IT and you will have all your adversaries dead of laughter at your feet," observed the gasping brunette.

"And Kudoh," was a satisfied Ran's parting shot, before he went back to their shared room, "if you ever mess with my wardrobe again I will force you to wear either the pink Kumagoro[4] shirt or the  gay cowboy[5] outfit Kurono talked me out of."       

Owari

**Notes:**

[1]Quoi=What in French

[2] Arbiter Elegantiarum is a title which was given to Petronius, a man famous for his fashion senses and good taste, by the Roman emperor Nero. It translates to arbiter of the elegancies.   IMHO Petronius didn't have that much of a good taste, suffice to say he was a 'friend' of Nero for several years… 

[3] I own a shirt like this it is black though. So no stealing. ^.^

[4] The pink rabbit thingy from Gravi…

[5] An inspired description of Yotan's Gluhen outfit. Don't remember where I read it… Gal whoever you are this belongs to you! Hope you don't mind my using this very apt description!!! If you do I will change it OK? Just mail me and let me know! 


End file.
